Saturday, December 13, 2008

Tribute to my EX

He was a fantastic guy! ('was' because I no longer claim to know him the way I used to and not
because he does not exist anymore. Hence, also the 'tribute.') Well, at least I thought he was fantastic until he spurted this orgasmic conscience and decided to prove me wrong in favour of highlighting for me that which was right. (I owe him one for this. Not one sexual favour. But one moment of intense truth. I retain the right to choose this moment.)

So right about the time when I had convinced myself that the male species could never get better than the worse I had, things began to change. Dramatically. While I scoured the cosmo for *tips* on keeping the man in my life happy, he was busy gaining an hands-on experience of the same. Experience, he debated, made things better. Experience, I argued, gave one sexually transmitted diseases. I was right. He was wrong.

But then, he argued later(when we were breaking up), I was 'always right' wasn't I? What can I say? He was a late learner. Perhaps even in bed.

Maybe I should consult his teachers of 'experience' and write a book about his learning habits. Would perhaps help some fellow man to learn his bit a bit quicker. In fact, I am quite certain he would be more than thrilled to encourage this venture of mine. He always had a deep sense of respect for the entire male species. And even deeper sense of adherence to their bits of 'suggestions'. And if I insisted I didnt like something. He stressed, "But you are supposed to like it! My friends say so!"

His friends also told me that they would be glad to hook up with me should I ever break up with
him. Of course they were joking. I lost all their phone numbers. He has a memory for numbers. So still remembers the numbers of some female friends of mine, but has forgotten mine. A small
slip of memory is permitted every now and then. Now for all the nice things he has done for me
(like made me see that every man possibly does think from between his legs) I should possibly do something nice for him too. So I decided that I ought to help his current girlfriend (I am sure he has one, though he claimed during the break up that he would love me for the rest of his life, its his libido you see, its not really his fault) well, anyway, so I decided that I ought to leave his
current girlfriend with some useful tips.

1. He gets embarrassed to tell you that his room which you probably love, is all done up by me. So dont ask him about it. He hates lying. But he would lie to you. Not because he does not have a pine. But because he does not want to hurt you. Is there a difference between the two? I don't want to steal the joy of figuring that out from you!

2. That blue shirt which makes him look positively hot? Oh well its got a little story to it. You see we went for a drive in the rain and got naughty ( you can ask him for the details, it really turns him on talking about it). He didnt but that shirt. He really does not like to spend on himself. Neither did I gift him that one. Nor did his mother or sister or some far off cousin. Some Indian sounding canadian gifted it to him after he gave her a time of his life. He does not like talking about it. (He hates to admit that she gave him much a better time than you ever will and he wont be able to explain a turn off in the middle of an animalistic passion. But memories can do that, you know) But though that shirt is a little faded and perhaps torn by now. Please dont throw it. Its sentimental.

3. Dont ask about exes. Not just me. But any of the others. He is a bad story teller. And he would
not be able to tell the truth. And he would hate to torture you with half lies. So you will fight. Best let it be.

4. He loves committments and marriages. He just does not know how to handle them. So I suggest that though I gave him the better part of half a decade to come to terms with it, you reserve another half a decade to get him to understand this (I told you he was a slow learner). And then be prepared to understand that he might not have learnt much after all.

After all has been said and done. I dont want to say something bad about him. And because there really isnt much to say besides that I will have to abruptly terminate this tribute here. But who knows as memory returns I might just find time to contribute some more!


PS NOTHING PERSONAL ABOUT IT ;)

8 comments:

marvin the paranoid android said...

let lord bestow peace upon the souls... *observes a two minute silence*

the nutcase airborne said...

positively regal that.. kudos, for a thought(s) well spelt out and advice dished out tastefully..

Prakhar said...

Totally justified...brillianto!

rain girl said...

*observes a ten-minute silence*...amen...

d gypsy! said...

bloody hell...

if Marvin hadn't told me I would have missed this one...

the 'Goddess of mush' is absofuckinlutely fantabulous at tributes too...

rawkin...

Khamakha said...

absofuckinlutely..lol..lovely;)

being purple... said...

*ahem*

I definitely need to wait an eternity before I mature to match up. I could never attempt this. Ever.

Did I mention recently how much in love with you I am?

Mystique Wanderer said...

hokies so i was just wondering how is it tht everyone is at bitter ends with their exes...i have three and they are still pals with me...

ok actually i know how...i'm just sad that it happens...

ok now coming to taking ure case...i'm hearing tht the guy was a sex freak who didn't really care much beyond that...

plenty of guys are...and i know we can fake interest pretty good...but that all falls apart right after the first time they are inside ure pants...what took u so many years to figure out...

funnily the jokes not even on u...its on everybody...ppl don't realize it...not just yet